Where do we go from here?

I’ve often read about this whole mid-twenties crisis but never paid too much attention to it, as I never thought it would apply to me. But lately, I wonder if perhaps I’m going through one right now. These past couple of weeks I have been feeling very melancholy about my life, so far. I mean, sure I’ve made a lot of great changes in my life in the past two years: getting out of an unhealthy relationship that was going nowhere, realizing that I deserved happy, deciding to go ahead with my WLS and dropping over 100 lbs, meeting the best guy ever and being in the most adult, stable and happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Yet, I look at everything else (especially after recent events) and I still feel like I’m somehow lacking. My two best friends are both college graduates and now that I’m trying to get a new job, it’s beginning to REALLY bother me that I’m not. I used to be a believer of “No Regrets” but the older I get and the more that some of my past actions come back to haunt me. Is this all part of getting older? Do I get to look forward to many more years of regrets? I sure hope not.

And, yes, I’m still young enough that I can change the school thing (which I’m actually working on) but at the same time, I’m hounded by that question of: “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I mean, seriously, I’m 27, shouldn’t I know what I want to do with my life? There’s a lot of things I like that I’m good at but, I have absolutely no clue what I would do for a “career.” I used to always say I’d be a writer but nowadays I struggle with even just writing a blog entry. What happened to me? Where did all my inspiration and creativity go? These are the questions that have been plaguing my mind on a daily basis lately and really, I’m no closer to getting any answers. I used to say that if not writing, I’d do Psychology; but when I think about how little I have accomplished and how long it would take me to get a doctorate, I get discouraged. I’m not stupid. I know this sounds like I’m going through a little bout of depression. But knowing this does not make it any easier. To top things off, all this depression is just making me start to go back to bad habits that will eventually ruin what I’ve achieved health-wise.

So, yeah. That’s where I’m at right now. It isn’t pretty and it definitely isn’t fun.

Everyday I’m just getting through things and trying to work the rest out in my mind. I’m uncertain about my future, though, and that’s the scariest thing of all.


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