Every day I come into my office and have to fight this inner battle with myself so that I don’t succumb to the damn Milano cookies in the lounge. “Well, Kat, why don’t you just have one and get over it?” some of you could ask, and sure, it’s a valid question; but the deal with me and Milano cookies is: I can’t have just one. Really. I can’t. They are my kryptonite. Is it silly that I have allowed a cookie to have this control over me? Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is so. See, I’ll start with one cookie, then it’s two, then I’ll keep going back for more until my stomach feels awful and I have to go be sick. What do they put in those things? Crack? Meth? A curse from Satan? I’m beginning to think it is a curse, because not only do they have the power to make me eat a shitload of them; they are also my “Fuck it” food. You know, the food that makes you go on this downward spiral where you’re like “Fuck it, I already screwed up, might as well go all out” so then you go on this horrible junk food extravaganza. Well, Milano cookies are the gateway food for those binges, which is why I have to fight everyday not to eat them.
It wasn’t always Milano cookies, before it used to be ice cream and Doritos. Oh man, especially Doritos. Just one Dorito would end up with me wolfing down the entire (party size) bag, then moving on to the next thing to eat. Or I would eat the Doritos and the ice cream together… It was bad. I remember sleeping over friends’ houses and waiting until everyone was asleep to sneak into the kitchen and eat some ice cream alone in the dark, totally ashamed and disgusted with myself (sorry, Amigas, I know you’re reading this now). Just sitting there in the dark, eating ice cream (or cookies, or chips, etc), I just felt … better. Even if I was ashamed and grossed out at myself, the food tasted so good and made me feel comforted, happy. I don’t know what happened early on in my life that has made me form this crazy attachment to food, but it’s something I think about quite often. I’ve considered going to Overeaters Anonymous but I’m not sure if I really belong there, either. As long as I stay away from Milano cookies I’m okay most of the time, and I haven’t gone on any binges lately (although I have eaten restaurant food way too much this week and I’m beginning to think I look chunkier than last week).
As Mark and Leslie have pointed out, my obsession with how much I weigh right now and how much I want to weigh is getting unhealthy, and I’m aware of this. I know that this unhealthy behavior causes stress which causes me to want to fall off the wagon and eat things I’m not supposed to. I’m hoping that by me continuing to write about these stressful feelings and thoughts, I can start relaxing and feeling better on my own … and stay away from those damned Milano cookies.
How about you? Do you have any “fuck it” or trigger foods? How do you handle cravings?