I know that everyone’s WLS Journey is different and all that bullshit but I can’t help but feel like a total failure when I start googling before and after pics of people who’ve had the surgery, or when I see how my old WLS blogging buddies have already hit their target weight or are under it. Yes, I shouldn’t compare myself to others blah blah blah; but it’s really hard not to sometimes. After I gave birth I dropped most of what I gained during pregnancy super fast since I breastfed and then suddenly I blink and I had gained 17lbs of it back. Then I gained 5 lb more. And now those are gone after a couple of months but I am still 40lbs away from my goal. Only now I think I want to weigh 10 lbs less than that. To top things off my doctor found a nodule of my thyroid, then I had an ultrasound and she’s all “Oh, I don’t like how that looks” (BTW who the hell says that to a patient?) and then she tells me that I have hypothyroidism which is what’s making my weight fall off so slowly right now even though I’m barely breaking 1,000 calories a day. Oh, and I have to get a biopsy. So what is Kat’s brilliant thought-process during this whole time between now and getting this stuff treated? I figure “Man, if this is hindering me losing weight then I better eat even less so I can maintain what I’ve lost so far.” Wow, Kat! Genius! No, really, this is the most clever idea! The
worst part is that I know that these are not good thoughts and strategies. I know this is a fucked up way of handling this but yet, here we are.
I look in the mirror and sometimes I still see that girl at 360 lbs looking back at me. I have to go force myself to look at my “before” pictures which aren’t many because I used to avoid people taking pictures of me or, worse, I would photoshop them to make me look thinner. I know. The horror. Even looking at those pics doesn’t do much anymore because I feel like in a way, I’ve let everyone down. Everyone assumes when you undergo gastric bypass surgery, you WILL get thin. I mean, that’s pretty much ingrained in you. But I’m not thin. It’s going to be 3 years this December and I’m still “chubby.” I’m all for accepting your body as is and some days I do, I wake up and look in the mirror and feel that I look great! I’ll do my make up and feel pretty and do my nails and be all girly. And then there’s the days where all I can see are flaws. Extra skin, flabby arms, a hint of a double chin. Will I ever stop feeling this way? Will I always have body issues? Will I ever just stop looking at my body as a sum of its flaws and really understand how far I’ve come? I can only hope. But let me tell you, today was not that day.
How about you? Do you have days where you just feel like you’ve failed? How do you deal with it?